A letter to Nancy and Robert...
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Doback,
I wanted to inform you, that your children Brennan and Dale’s behavior is becoming a serious problem and is not appropriate. Being at the age of forty year’s old and still living at home with their parents, no job and no responsibilities, it might become a problem for parents who want to soon retire or even in your case, sell the house and travel by boat. It is at this time in their lives where they should have jobs and families of their own. I wanted to understand what might have caused such erratic behavior. Traumatic events such as divorce or death, which both men have been through in the past, might have affected their ideas of a functioning family or even good behavior. How are you parenting and how could you have prevented this situation? In the article “Do’s and Don’ts of divorce for parents” by James Lehman, he states that “the reason why a divorce is very traumatic for the children involved is because things are changing for them completely and the future is unknown.” He also goes on to say, “The most powerful people in their lives have decided to go on a completely different course. Kids use their parents to manage their fears of the unknown.” Even with a death of a parent no matter what age, could change how you think, feel and act. Maybe when Brennan and Dale we’re younger and had their parents by their side, they would have never thought that something like divorce or death was in their future. From my past experiences, having something like your parents with you in the house or there when you need them, to parents divorced and barely speaking is a huge change in a household.
When I saw your sons sitting on the couch with ice packs after a wicked fight on the lawn with weapons such as a bike and a golf club, I knew you had a serious problem on your hands. In an article called “Step-Sibling Rivalry” by Amanda Morin, she talks about how a step-sibling relationship is different from any other sibling relationships. They are not related any other way other than marriage, they do not share the same parents and other then the house they live in, they could have nothing in common. Sometimes in new changes that affect a family as much as divorce or death, children are forced to grow up and act responsible. That means that the “inner child” maybe forgotten or left behind. I believe your children never left their inner child behind, which is perfectly fine because every adult still has their inner child deep inside. Just some adults have their inner child too deep inside. Stephen A. Diamond wrote an article called “The Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy: The Inner Child.” He states that “ One must become conscious of his or her own inner child. Remaining unconscious is what empowers the dissociated inner child to take possession of the personality at times, to overpower the will of the adult.
You are not bad parents, you just used bad parenting strategies and the results left you with two very irresponsible, relying sons. When you are an adult with many responsibilities, it can be hard to let your inner child come out. When is it appropriate to show your inner child? Well I can tell you, it’s not at a job interview or work. They need to learn and become aware that being an adult comes with adult responsibilities. Their childhood is over and a whole new beginning is waiting for them. Yes, adulthood has it’s up’s and down’s but you can not choose your age. Age is partnered with time and time moves quickly. Tell them that they will not live forever and that it is ok to make mistakes. The real problem with making mistakes is not the mistake itself, but your ability to learn from them.
You of all people know how important it is to show support to your kids no matter what they are going through. Dale and Brennan are relying on you for everything and don’t know how to take care of their everyday basic needs. To see them not being able to walk home from a job interview without getting into some form of trouble, it becomes worrisome. I understand that It can be hard to give the extra push for them to leave the nest, but if you don’t, you’ll end up it the predicament you are in now. Show them that it is ok to have their inner child stand out, let them know it is ok to be different but also teach them the ways to be a successful adult who understands consequences and accepts responsibility for their actions. I understand, you can’t just “throw them out in the snow” but slowly guiding them in the right direction and making them work for what they want could be a great way to get them motivated and moving towards adulthood. It can be hard to let go when you have been in this situation a long time. Forty years of parenting with no breaks, divorce, getting your children out of trouble just like they we’re back in school. Parents need a break. Parents will never stop being parents or showing love to their children, but there comes a time in life where parents do get that break and their children leave the nest. I wish you the best of luck with your sons and current situation. Please know, all parents go through this stage, just some go through it earlier than others.
Sincerely,
Taylor Mowbray
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Doback,
I wanted to inform you, that your children Brennan and Dale’s behavior is becoming a serious problem and is not appropriate. Being at the age of forty year’s old and still living at home with their parents, no job and no responsibilities, it might become a problem for parents who want to soon retire or even in your case, sell the house and travel by boat. It is at this time in their lives where they should have jobs and families of their own. I wanted to understand what might have caused such erratic behavior. Traumatic events such as divorce or death, which both men have been through in the past, might have affected their ideas of a functioning family or even good behavior. How are you parenting and how could you have prevented this situation? In the article “Do’s and Don’ts of divorce for parents” by James Lehman, he states that “the reason why a divorce is very traumatic for the children involved is because things are changing for them completely and the future is unknown.” He also goes on to say, “The most powerful people in their lives have decided to go on a completely different course. Kids use their parents to manage their fears of the unknown.” Even with a death of a parent no matter what age, could change how you think, feel and act. Maybe when Brennan and Dale we’re younger and had their parents by their side, they would have never thought that something like divorce or death was in their future. From my past experiences, having something like your parents with you in the house or there when you need them, to parents divorced and barely speaking is a huge change in a household.
When I saw your sons sitting on the couch with ice packs after a wicked fight on the lawn with weapons such as a bike and a golf club, I knew you had a serious problem on your hands. In an article called “Step-Sibling Rivalry” by Amanda Morin, she talks about how a step-sibling relationship is different from any other sibling relationships. They are not related any other way other than marriage, they do not share the same parents and other then the house they live in, they could have nothing in common. Sometimes in new changes that affect a family as much as divorce or death, children are forced to grow up and act responsible. That means that the “inner child” maybe forgotten or left behind. I believe your children never left their inner child behind, which is perfectly fine because every adult still has their inner child deep inside. Just some adults have their inner child too deep inside. Stephen A. Diamond wrote an article called “The Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy: The Inner Child.” He states that “ One must become conscious of his or her own inner child. Remaining unconscious is what empowers the dissociated inner child to take possession of the personality at times, to overpower the will of the adult.
You are not bad parents, you just used bad parenting strategies and the results left you with two very irresponsible, relying sons. When you are an adult with many responsibilities, it can be hard to let your inner child come out. When is it appropriate to show your inner child? Well I can tell you, it’s not at a job interview or work. They need to learn and become aware that being an adult comes with adult responsibilities. Their childhood is over and a whole new beginning is waiting for them. Yes, adulthood has it’s up’s and down’s but you can not choose your age. Age is partnered with time and time moves quickly. Tell them that they will not live forever and that it is ok to make mistakes. The real problem with making mistakes is not the mistake itself, but your ability to learn from them.
You of all people know how important it is to show support to your kids no matter what they are going through. Dale and Brennan are relying on you for everything and don’t know how to take care of their everyday basic needs. To see them not being able to walk home from a job interview without getting into some form of trouble, it becomes worrisome. I understand that It can be hard to give the extra push for them to leave the nest, but if you don’t, you’ll end up it the predicament you are in now. Show them that it is ok to have their inner child stand out, let them know it is ok to be different but also teach them the ways to be a successful adult who understands consequences and accepts responsibility for their actions. I understand, you can’t just “throw them out in the snow” but slowly guiding them in the right direction and making them work for what they want could be a great way to get them motivated and moving towards adulthood. It can be hard to let go when you have been in this situation a long time. Forty years of parenting with no breaks, divorce, getting your children out of trouble just like they we’re back in school. Parents need a break. Parents will never stop being parents or showing love to their children, but there comes a time in life where parents do get that break and their children leave the nest. I wish you the best of luck with your sons and current situation. Please know, all parents go through this stage, just some go through it earlier than others.
Sincerely,
Taylor Mowbray